Uhh okay there are a lot of things that I want to talk about and I'm not sure how to start so as always I'm going to dive right into it while also having no idea what I'm doing.
Lately I've had a lot of much needed alone time to just sit and think about my life and everything that's going on.
I have kind of been second guessing myself on a bunch of things and I noticed I do that too much. I'm not sure how to put it into a way that I could make you understand unless this is how you think.
But essentially the way my brain works is I'll learn something and I'll be conscious of the fact that I know it is true, but in the back of my mind there is a tiny voice that constantly says, "Do I really know that, though? Have I pondered that enough to know for a fact it is true? Have I looked at every single possible side? Have I studied it and come to a conclusion that it is legitimate enough to call a knowledge?" For example, I used to say I hated math. Everybody hates math, right? I actually thought that because I was forced to use my head for once in my life to systematically solve a problem that I hated it. I also thought that since my friends hate math that I should too, right?
Stupid stupid stupid. All stupid reasons.
I finally realized a few weeks ago that even though I struggle a little with math and it does take a minute to process in my head (unlike the well-known human calculators) that I actually really enjoy math. It's a simple language that I understand. It's not something that I want to live my life teaching, but if I had to take a math class for the rest of my life, I'd be okay with it.
The point is, is that it took me a whole seventeen years to figure out that I like math, so how long will it take me to figure out really important stuff?
Sometimes I wish that I was naïve. I wish I didn't have a little voice that always made me second guess something that I think I know. I wish I could be that normal kid who spoke to my parents and didn't wonder if either of them know what they're doing (a thought that goes entirely against every child-like instinct that I have, but hey, I can't help it).
But when I'm done being whiney, I step back and actually look at my life and see that I am so darn blessed to have such a mind. I'm glad that I don't just look at something and think oh yeah my teacher said it so it has to be true. Because at the end of the day, I know the things I know with such a passion that even I have trouble comprehending it. So maybe next time you're learning something new you can look at all of the sides and have a tiny bit of skepticism. That way you'll know for sure that what you know is what you know, not just something that you blindly trust.
Anyways thanks for reading!
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