I have problems

I always forget that Benedict Cumberbatch is in the new Star Trek movie.
The other day I went to go see Les Mis for the second time with my mom and brother. THE SECOND TIME.
And when Benedict showed up on the screen during the preview for Star Trek, my hand had a psycho spasm AND I SPILLED MY POPCORN EVERYWHERE.
And that is reason number one that I shouldn't be allowed in public. Ever.

"How great is the nothingness of the children of men"

So I try really hard to not be a person who pushes their religion on someone, regardless of what I believe I think people are allowed to choose for themselves what they do and do not believe.
As I am sure some of you know, I am an extremely religious person, however liberal. I do get a few people asking me, "Well, if God exists, why does he allow young people to die? Why does he let wars happen? Blah blah blah."
I honestly consider this extremely close-minded. People really just don't understand that it doesn't work like that. In explaining the reasoning behind these evils, people usually come up with some more prodding questions and it becomes an all out battle between Evolution and Creationism (even though I believe evolution can exist in the presence of God, in fact they coincide with each other really well if you actually sit and think about it).
Anyways, I was reading my scriptures today in Helaman 12, which just happens to be amazing scripture on this topic, and I came across this in verse 3: "And thus we see that except The Lord doth chasten his people with many afflictions, yea, except he doth visit them with death and with terror... They will not remember him." So basically this is saying that unless God allows death and war and horrible things to happen, we will always be prideful, always "... Quick to be lifted up in pride" and "...Slow to walk in (God's) wisdom" (v5).
Don't forget that good and evil are opposites, meaning that one cannot exist without the other. Much like day and night, good cannot come without corruptness and vise-versa.
Among the many reasons I think God tests us, this is a huge one. And I know this post probably did nothing for the people looking for answers, but I hope you at least leave this blog post being more open minded when it comes to religion. Just remember that you choose what YOU believe, and if you're atheist or catholic or whatever, you can never force someone to believe something they do not.
Sorry this post was all over the place. Thanks for dealing with all of my scattered thoughts.

How to Party Right

So a while ago, my friend Batbilek and I went up the canyon and had an adventure. For those of you that know Bat, you know how artistic he is, so of course he brought his little ancient film camera.

This was when the snow was pure and wanted. It was so beautiful. I dream to relive it.
I seriously have never seen anything so beautiful in my entire life.
There was a little creek, black against the white snow. I know in the tale Snow White, when Snow's mother sees the snow and the red blood (after she accidentally pricks her finger from sewing) against the black window frame, it says that she had never seen anything so beautiful. After seeing the black creek against the snow, I knew exactly how she felt.

Maybe that's why I hugely value the subtle beauty of black hair against pale skin, just as Snow's mother did.

Even though the roads were pretty freaky and it was freezing cold, it was completely worth it. It was almost an otherworldly experience, because it was so quiet and peaceful.
Few people understand why I love winter so much. Not only is it the layers of clothes, hot chocolate, holidays, Fleet Foxes, The Smiths (and other gorgeous wintery music), it's the soberness.
Mother Nature is almost obnoxious in the summer with all of the green and yellow and pink and blue. The colors are too bright for me. It's obvious to the naked eye that nature is pretty.
But in the winter, it takes so much more to appreciate. Winter has to be reveled, not just glanced at, for one to notice how delicately stunning it really is.

It takes thought.
A lot of people don't take that extra moment to acknowledge something that takes thought.

I thought I'd mention that every one of these photos is completely thanks to Bat's amazing photography.

I am not a model at all.

Seriously. He is amazing. I wish I could be as artistic as he is. To check out the full quality of these beauts (and to go see Bat's other stuff [trust me, it's freaking worth it]) go click his name up at the top of this post. Thank you so much for reading! I adore you.
Song of the day 

You Don't Have to Read This But I Love You Extra If You Do

I've been struggling lately with myself and it has become a big enough problem that I've decided to blog about it. Shocker.

I could go ahead and blame it on my ridiculous amount of Instagram use (which I consider to be some kind of depressing relapse from my Facebook deactivation), listening to too much Nirvana (which, by the way, is not even remotely possible), or even some kind of insecurity.

Instead, I'm going to be real with you and just say that there isn't a person or thing on this earth that has screwed me up other than myself and my worthless bodily functions.

I stress over too many things, worry about my future so much that I forget what is going on right in front of me and dont allow myself enough time for important things like a social life.

About the social life thing is, I don't even want one. I seriously am the most introverted person that I know, and not that that is a bad thing,  but it is the way I go about it. My mind craves face to face interaction, but at the same time it completely rejects it. It's like a super sad paradox. I don't even really like people that much. 

And like my hatred for people has expanded to other things like school (obviously not the educational part, we've had this conversation before) and Taylor Swift. But I mean come on, it's Taylor Swift. She sucks. Anyways. 

I just feel like all of this stuff gets mixed in my mind and I just lose myself in trying so hard to balance my internet use, school work, work, family time, friends time, personal time, worship and it all just gets mixed up and I feel like I need to eliminate one of them, and if I were to do that it would obviously have to be the internet but I AM SO ADDICTED TO IT THAT I SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I think that's why I'm so excited to graduate because I'll finally have some relief for a little while.

It felt really good to get that all out. Maybe I'll figure it out now that I've written my struggles down.

Thanks for reading I love you you are a beautiful human.

song of the day

The World Didn't End so this Post was Inevitable

It's obvious and cliched, annoying and worthless, that's right, you guessed it, It's THE NEW YEARS RESOLUTION POST!
I'd like to take a moment and reflect upon last year's resolutions that I actually fulfilled, which are:
• Not care what people think of me.
• Be comfortable with my body weight.
• Get a job.
• Start saving for college, a car and some other stuff.
• Figure out what I'm going to do with my life for the next few years.

So basically this year has been good, but it's also been super lame so I'm excited to start fresh again. This year is going to be full of wonderful graduations and trips to Eastern Europe, so bring it on.
And now, my 2013 New Year resolutions:
• Stay a dedicated pescetarian.
• Become a Man Repeller (oh dear, if you don't know what that is you need to look it up. Like, now.)
• And finally, and probably the most important: take thirty minutes to meditate, every day.

And that's it. No weak promise to go to the gym three times a week, no weight loss goal, no promise to find the true meaning of life. I believe great things come from small, simple action. So I have a good feeling about this year. May we all gain happiness and whatever and not cry that our midnight kiss didn't call us today.
Happy, Glorious, Spectacular new year.

song of the year...

Because everyone at my school is so annoying about this and I don't have a better title.

Why is every teenager on this earth so obsessed with having a boyfriend or girlfriend?
I honestly don't see the appeal.
What, you have someone follow you around everywhere, controlling all of your free time, texting you every night? Big freakin whoop.
I mean yeah, when it's right, it's right. Duh. I'm not dissing you and your boyfriend.
But it's like, you can't ever be sure it's right when you're in high school. You've had at most like two boyfriends who were both probably not really even boyfriends and they were both probably huge jerks. Hence the fact they are in the past.
So how do you know it's right?
You can't know.
I mean come on, most of us can hardly plan a future that involves us alone. What makes us think we can plan a future that revolves around another person?

Every guy you ever date you'll either break up with or marry.
In that perspective, dating in high school becomes extremely unattractive,
Especially in my case, because I can't even hold a real conversation with half of my close friends.
How the heck am I supposed to hold a conversation with the same person for the rest of my life?
Yeah, not going to happen.

It seems sad, but I don't see myself getting in a relationship for the next few years,
much, MUCH less getting married.
The thought of it terrifies me.
Not because I'm afraid to get married.
I just can't think about the commitment of the whole thing.
I mean think about it.
Getting married is basicaly giving yourself to another person.
You become so close, and it freaks me out.
It literally makes me sick to my stomach, thinking about living with the same person forever.
It's not like I never want to get married, but I want to figure myself out first.
I want independence.

Maybe I'll be a Utah old maid and get married after I turn twenty five.
But I really feel bad for those girls who get married right out of high school.
It's like, live a little.
Make mistakes, go to college, get an education.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.
Date a whole bunch of college guys.
Get a job at a bakery, then a shoe store, then a music store.
Don't get married because you feel obligated to.
Don't get married because you have nothing else to do.
And to my fellow LDS girls, DO NOT WAIT ON YOUR MISSIONARY.
That's amazing that he went on a mission, but there's a huge chance you are going to wait two years for a guy who isn't even going to marry you.
Don't waste your time and LIVE for goodness sakes.
(edit: there isn't anything wrong with marrying an RM that you dated before they left, what I was trying to get across here is that girls who are thinking about waiting on a missionary, don't waste time writing to them every day and get yourself out there so you know for sure that you want to marry this missionary. Also never distract your missionary from doing His work with promises that you potentially cannot keep.)

Take my advice, please. Live how you want to, not because it's part of your religion or family, but because it's what you've chosen.
Choose for yourself. You're nearly an adult for crying out loud.

Thank for reading, loves! I've missed big posts like this.
song of the day (because it's all wintery now and this is my all time favorite winter song)

Thoughts of a surviving senior.

Every day I wake up and tell myself,
Megan, no matter what you do, how you dress, how much weight you lose, someone somewhere is going to judge you.
And that is their problem, not yours.
Dress how you want, go to college where you want, and be the person you want to be.
Because what they think only matters if you let it.

song of the day

This is my Brain.

Reason #1 that I shouldn't be a graphic designer: My blog layout. Sorry guys I've been trying to fix it so that it is more cute and hipster but what'll you do.

Uhh okay there are a lot of things that I want to talk about and I'm not sure how to start so as always I'm going to dive right into it while also having no idea what I'm doing.

Lately I've had a lot of much needed alone time to just sit and think about my life and everything that's going on.

I have kind of been second guessing myself on a bunch of things and I noticed I do that too much. I'm not sure how to put it into a way that I could make you understand unless this is how you think.

But essentially the way my brain works is I'll learn something and I'll be conscious of the fact that I know it is true, but in the back of my mind there is a tiny voice that constantly says, "Do I really know that, though? Have I pondered that enough to know for a fact it is true? Have I looked at every single possible side? Have I studied it and come to a conclusion that it is legitimate enough to call a knowledge?" For example, I used to say I hated math. Everybody hates math, right? I actually thought that because I was forced to use my head for once in my life to systematically solve a problem that I hated it. I also thought that since my friends hate math that I should too, right?

Stupid stupid stupid. All stupid reasons.

I finally realized a few weeks ago that even though I struggle a little with math and it does take a minute to process in my head (unlike the well-known human calculators) that I actually really enjoy math. It's a simple language that I understand. It's not something that I want to live my life teaching, but if I had to take a math class for the rest of my life, I'd be okay with it.

The point is, is that it took me a whole seventeen years to figure out that I like math, so how long will it take me to figure out really important stuff?

Sometimes I wish that I was naïve. I wish I didn't have a little voice that always made me second guess something that I think I know. I wish I could be that normal kid who spoke to my parents and didn't wonder if either of them know what they're doing (a thought that goes entirely against every child-like instinct that I have, but hey, I can't help it).

But when I'm done being whiney, I step back and actually look at my life and see that I am so darn blessed to have such a mind. I'm glad that I don't just look at something and think oh yeah my teacher said it so it has to be true. Because at the end of the day, I know the things I know with such a passion that even I have trouble comprehending it. So maybe next time you're learning something new you can look at all of the sides and have a tiny bit of skepticism. That way you'll know for sure that what you know is what you know, not just something that you blindly trust.

Anyways thanks for reading!

Song of the day