this is not a coming out post.

I like men.
I have always liked them, even since I was a kid.
I can't explain it, and it isn't necessarily sexual.
I am just attracted to boys.
That is the way it is.

But, recently I have discovered a part of myself that I had not really recognized before.
And I know that love exists in all shapes and sizes.
I have never been in love before.
Not with anyone of any gender, race or the like.
I don't plan on falling in love anytime soon, but I know that I am capable of love.
And I now know that I am not only capable of love for men.

I don't know how to explain this right.
But I guess it's like, if I met someone who I knew was the one, man or woman, why would it matter what gender he or she is?
Because I would love this person no matter what.
And I feel like it would be okay for me to fall in love with someone of the same gender as me.
So I wouldn't call myself straight, gay, lesbian or bisexual.
I would call myself human.
Can I do that?

Love is not a choice.
And I will love who I love, regardless of gender.

There is no closet, and I was never in it.
I just felt like it was necessary to talk about this.
Er, write about it.

stop pretending that everything is beautiful

Regardless of what people will tell you, your flaws do not necessarily make you beautiful.
They don't make you unique, and your imperfection is not perfect.
All that your mistakes do is make you human.
Without them all you are is a lovely little idiot chasing sunsets.
Never learning, never growing, never becoming the person you dream of becoming.
People often mistake being human for being beautiful.
It is an existence, not a sentiment.
You are going to screw up.
Take that and create the person that you want to be.
Be honest with yourself and be realistic. Not everything is lovely. Not everything can be pretty.
But don't cry and beat yourself up either.
Grow.

okay now stop asking.

"A sketchbook is a journal. It contains that which words cannot. An unspeakable truth. An un-recordable scripture."

I wrote that over two years ago in my first sketchbook ever.
I just found the page and I hardly remember writing that, but oh, how the words still strike.

I can hardly find the words that convey how strongly I feel about this, but it seems to be something that many people do not understand.
My sketchbook is not just a place that I go to when I feel like doodling sometimes.
It is a place that I go to when I need peace. I release every emotion I have into the thing, from happiness to frustration.
I write in it as well, making it a journal in the realest sense of the word.
There are many reasons that I keep my sketchbook private.
One of the reasons is what I have already written; it is a deep expression of emotion.
It is laden with secrets.
Another reason is that, quite frankly, some of the stuff I put in there really sucks. I keep my bad art decisions in my sketchbook to remind myself that mistakes happen and we learn from them.
So the next time someone asks me if they can go through my sketchbook I am going to say no. Straight up, no.
I put most of the stuff that I don't mind people seeing on the internet anyway, so what's the point?

In this post I attempt to convince you to like my least favorite genre of music.

One of the many misconceptions that I have found people make when it comes to music taste
is that those who write, produce, perform and listen to pop and hip hop music are unintelligent or don't know what real music is.
Because the music generally has heavy undertones of sex, alcoholism, drug abuse or is directed toward young audiences it is automatically considered "bad" music.
In reality the people who play a part in creating pop music are all extremely intelligent.
They create a catchy, simple lyric/melody combination and this is the kind of music that catches peoples attention.
There is a reason this industry is so successful.
I myself don't listen to this type of music often, but there was a time in my life when I did.
These people know their target audience and they know how to make money.
One of the reasons people so quickly dismiss this music genre is because there is rarely any lyrical depth.
There is a time and a place for lyrical depth and there is also a time and a place for lyrical simplicity.
Pop music is not created to bring a deeper meaning to the world or make people ponder.
This music is made to make people dance and sing, and it is very good at doing this.
I listen to a large arrangement of music and while pop isn't often a part of my listening sessions, there are times when I just want to dance around like an idiot to Beyoncé.
Congrats for knowing fifty different amazing indie bands and wow I can't believe you have time to listen to all of the classics.
But next time you try to write off pop music, just know that we ALL know that you sing Rihanna in your shower.

journal vomit

I'm home again and I thought I'd relay the last week that I spent in Europe.
After Melk we left Austria and went to a town in the Cezch Republic called Cesky Krumlov.
We went there by bus since the river doesn't run through the Cezch Republic. The countryside that we saw on the bus ride was amazing.
I really liked the town because the art community was very strong there. There was a lot of beautiful street art including amazing sculptures. We saw several street performers and a group of Hindu Cezchs, which I adored (hare Krishna).
We spent the day there and ate these delicious cinnamon roll things called Trdelnik, which are pretty famous Cezch treats, I guess.
After leaving the village we went back to the boat and sailed to Germany. We visited three cities in Germany, Regensburg, Nuremberg and Passau. I don't remember much about them other than the sausage was amazing (which is saying something because I hate sausage). I also remember focusing a lot on the Holocaust while in Germany, I cant tell you specifics, but we visited lots of Nazi sites and it was all really depressing.
We left Nuremberg (and the boat forever) on Wednesday and went on another bus ride to Prague.
On Thursday we visited lots of places, including Terezin and the concentration camp there, the HUGE mall (which had a Topshop and I died) and the Charles bridge which was gorgeous at night.
On Friday we left town and saw this Castle in a cute little ton called Melnik. We went to the mall again in the afternoon and hung out in town. In the evening we went to a small opera thing that focused on works by Dvorak, and it was really good.
We left on Saturday and I was reminded why airports are the worst thing to grace this earth with their death presence.
So woohoo I am I Utah once again. Pictures to come soon.

How did I even get here?

Hello everybody! Sorry it has been so long since I have posted.
I am currently in Austria, specifically on the Wachau on a cruise ship.
It is gorgeous out here.
I am probably going to jump off the boat and swim to one of the lush mountain ranges and just rough it for the rest of my life.
I'm serious. Except for the fact that I miss everyone at home soooo much!
Here is my week as of today:
We made it to Budapest on Tuesday and checked into the hotel and all that wonderful shib.
We toured through Buda and Pest, and I fell in love with the Hungarian architecture and lifestyle.
I absolutely died when we went to the castle district in Buda (and not because of the heat).
The Danube really is like the cherry on top of the city.
We visited Szentendre as well which is a cute little art village closer to the country.
On Wednesday we learned a lot about the Jewish heritage of Budapest and visited a gorgeous synagogue.
The building was gorgeous and the history was very rich. I adored it.
Thursday we got on the boat and sailed to Vienna, which is another lovely city.
We toured Vienna on Friday.
I loved all of the beautiful churches and how the old and new buildings were so wonderfully close to each other.
It was beautiful how the Viennese people can live and breathe history while sitting outside of Starbucks.
The St. Stevens church was one of the most wonderful things I have seen so far.
I would absolutely love to worship there.
We saw the Schonbrunn Palace which is where all of the aristocrats and royalty lived back in the day.
The building was huge, gold plated and lovely.
The gardens were the best part, with the hedge maze and dozens of statues of Greek gods.
I also like the gardens because, as large and richly decorated as they were, they were the least boastful part of the place.
Today we sailed to Durnstein which is also in Austria.
It is a very small town and is set in the middle of a little mountain range.
 It was so green and beautiful and it was my favorite part of the trip so far.
Honestly the entire Wachau made me fall head over heels for Austria.
If I never marry, I'll be happy if I can just settle down in a cottage down here in the rolling hills of the Wachua.
If I had the opportunity, I would move there in a second.
We left Durnstein around 10:45 this morning and arrived in Melk around 2:15. We toured the monastery here, which is very big.
Everything here is big, beautiful and old.

More to come soon, I have one more week up here and I cant wait to tell you more and post pictures when I can! I'll see you all sooooon.

song of the day (in honor of the Wachau)

what is happening

I was just doing the nerd fighter's workout (found here) by the vlog brothers,
and my dad came in and was like,
"oh good, you're exercising"
and I was all, "yeah, for nerds"
and he goes, "well, that's great, you could stand to lose a few pounds"



oh

barefoot

cold cement
      damp grass
close eyes
       rustling of tree branches
inhale
       wet soil
look up
        sunlight
yellow. blue. green. gray.
I can feel
the earth move
I can hear
the worms fertilize the ground
I can smell
the storm moving north
even now that she is gone, my thoughts scream
stay.
stay.
but she goes
and her leftover breeze
chills me to my toes.
my tears never to mix
with her showers

m.s.

perspective

"'You are too different from humans ever to understand them.'

'You are too similar to humans for you to ever be able to see them clearly.'"
-Orson Scott Card
Xenocide

go to bed, megan.

I already thought that the moon was super.

You finally get to see what makes me happy

Hey kids, it's that time of year again! Time for me to shove my artwork in your face.

This post will have pictures of my sculptures as well as sculpting methods and glazes.

 

The head was sculpted around newspaper, and the rest was sculpted free hand
Body: Gold, Eyes: Tenmokue, Gears/Wheels: A purple color

Slab box with free hand pieces. Unfortunately I don't remember the glazes used for this one.

This entire piece was sculpted free hand and hollowed out after I was finished with the intended look.
As you can see, one of the talons broke off.
This happened in the process of glazing.
This is a White Crackle Raku glaze.

 

Obviously, this vase was thrown.
I didn't throw this one myself.
The black design was done in a Horsehair Raku process (which I did do).
This is my only low-fire piece and one of my absolute favorites.

 

This is a coil flower pot.
The jutting "rock formations" are free hand.
The texture was done by painting chunky slip over the whole thing.
The glaze is Jim Brown's Blue.



 

Well, that's it! I have more sculptures that will debut in some art show that I will probably announce at a later date. I am not currently in possession of them, otherwise I would post them. Sowwyy.

Thanks for checking my shtuff out. I love you. (sorry, too fast?)

song of the dayyyy

I'll be okay

One thing that I dislike

about the me that was with you 

is that I didn't want to make art. 

I only wanted to spend my time with you.

I guess that is part of the reason I felt so useless around you.

For if I am not creating something beautiful, 

what am I worth?

Late Night Ponder Sessions With Megan

Have you ever looked at someone and realized exactly what they are?
You see this person every single day and you just have a moment of pure epiphany
in which they reveal themselves to you.
Sometimes I see people and I marvel at how beautiful they are.
Or I am revolted at how horribly ugly they are.
It's almost like seeing right through someone. They are completely naked and you look at them
and you just know.
You know exactly what their soul looks like.
I'm sitting here at twelve in the morning thinking about something someone once said to me.
It was some girl I had met at a birthday party.
As I was leaving the party, she said, "I just want to thank you for being so genuine about who you are."
I honestly was stunned.
I wanted to fall on the ground bawling right in front of this girl that I had just met.
That is the single most cherished compliment I have ever received.
I don't even remember this girl's name.
And I wonder if other people see me the same way.
I try my best to be exactly who I am all of the time.
I'm not going to sit here and write lies, though.
Sometimes I slip up and pretend to be someone I'm not.
Don't we all?
It's my eighth grade self esteem issues resurfacing, ladies and gents.
But I'm being stupid because I care very little about what people think of me.
Once again I'm not here to lie, I obviously care a little.
I think that is part of human nature. I also don't think it is something to be ashamed of.
But it does intrigue me, how people see other people.
How we look at someone and have that sudden Aha! moment where we see someone's character in full light.
The way we judge someone based on appearance instead of action.
Isn't that interesting?
That people literally make split second decisions about other people and the way they live their lives simply by a glance.
It's quite as simple as saying, "I am going to like/dislike this person because ..."
There are many reasons I like people and many, many more that explain why I dislike them.
And I could sit here and waste my life away talking about how people interest me.
So I guess I'll just shut up now.
G'night.

See Ya

That's right folks, I am DONE.
Done with high school.
No more.
Ugh I am honestly so relieved.
It's weird saying goodbye to all of the people I've known these past years, but it's a happy weird.
I'll miss some of them: my darling friends, favorite teachers.
But other than that I am so happy to say goodbye to the hell hole that is high school.
It's been a good year and I am so happy to have met the people I did, because some of them are the people I hold most dear to my little heart.
My friends this year really helped me through and they are the greatest people ever.
I am kind of sad to leave some of my junior and sophomore friends behind, but since my brother is heading in as a sophomore, I know he'll take good care of them.
I've learned so much and I can't wait to take all of my knowledge and apply it to the real world.
It's insane how fast we've all grown up.
And while I'll spend the next year chilling on my brand new laptop (currently in use), I know most of my class is heading out to college in the fall.
Insane.
Good luck to those of you who are starting soon, and to those of you going up to Utah State at the Logan campus, see you in a year.
It's been real. Thank good gracious it's over.
Goodbyeeeeeeeeeee

Tales of a Retailer

I was at work yesterday and on Sundays we have a different clientele than normal.
I don't mind and actually think it's refreshing.
You get sick of all the rich white thirteen and fifty-year-olds, ya feel?
Yesterday particular a group of women walked in.
It was obvious that they were lesbians, and were probably shopping with friends as couples.
Personally I have no problem with this and it's actually a rather common occurrence where I work.
I don't see why anyone would have an issue, seeing as everyone needs clothing.
But then my coworker came up to me and said
"There are so many Mexicans and dykes is here right now."
For those of you who don't know what the word "dyke" means, essentially it is a derogatory term used to describe masculine lesbian women.
While these women were dressed in men's clothing and had short hair, i see no reason to use such a word as an insult.
I was extremely offended, especially since this isn't the first time I've seen something like this happen.
I am not a lesbian, but I don't see why it would matter if I was.
Why do people treat homosexuality like a plague?
Straight people can dress however they want, so why cant a woman cut her hair short and wear baggy pants all while liking women and get away with it?
It's not like they're judging me for wearing mom jeans and Harry Potter glasses.
I don't know about you, but I would never want anyone to make assumptions about me simply because I dress a certain way.
So why would I do it to other people?
The women that came in yesterday actually seemed like really lovely people, and I greeted and helped them the same as I would any other customer.
I don't care how you dress or what you look like, to me you're human.
Quit falling for labels. Stereotypes do not define a person.

song of the day (oldie, but I thought it fit my thoughts well.)

oops i accidentally wrote a poem sorry

my mind is like an
 ocean
in which the water
     molecules are made
of your skin
          and hair.
your breath
   sends my soul
like a ship
       deeper into you
until I'm lost
in your horizon
 even the creatures
   below
and
            above
the water
   are you.
soon
i
will
drown.
please
   do not
save
     me.
-m.s.

People

I have been thinking a lot about people and why they do what they do.
I think about this often, actually, simply because it interests me.
Obviously people do a lot of what they do just because it is the norm.
Everyone has a Facebook, everyone likes photography and being quirky (which seems to have actually created a counter effect in which everyone's quirks seem to be the exact same).
Culture influences the things we do. Perfect example: the trend in Asia where everyone and his dog was getting silicone injected into his head. We (Americans) think that is strange. For them it was probably just another trend.
One thing I wonder about people, though, is why we as a race tend to resist change.
Change is literally an element of nature. It exists in the very core of the universe.
Day becomes night, summer becomes fall which in turn becomes winter and so on.
Change happens. It just does.
People grow up.
Friends lose touch, people move on.
So why in the world do we refuse to let things happen the way they should?
We think that our current situation is so good before we even remotely experience something different.
Change is beautiful.
The wisest boy I've ever met once told me that the fact that people change is what makes them wonderful.

I am so gosh dang happy.
So happy.

Just a thought.

I wish people would understand that believing in something doesn't give them the right to disrespect what other people believe in.
People define something as truth and treat it as if it is law. We tend to forget that truth is always subjective to different points of views. Your truth isn't always going to be the same by everyone else's standards.
People think that discrimination is better now than it was back in the day, but treating someone's religion like a joke is just as disgusting as calling homosexuality a disease.
When will the human race see that the universe doesn't revolve around them? When will we open our eyes and realize that there are different cultures and people and the fact that we don't understand something doesn't make it wrong?

B O R E dum

I have nothing to post about but I felt like posting so here we are.
I have to go to work in an hour.
I want to stay home and sleep.
cool.