I like men.
I have always liked them, even since I was a kid.
I can't explain it, and it isn't necessarily sexual.
I am just attracted to boys.
That is the way it is.
But, recently I have discovered a part of myself that I had not really recognized before.
And I know that love exists in all shapes and sizes.
I have never been in love before.
Not with anyone of any gender, race or the like.
I don't plan on falling in love anytime soon, but I know that I am capable of love.
And I now know that I am not only capable of love for men.
I don't know how to explain this right.
But I guess it's like, if I met someone who I knew was the one, man or woman, why would it matter what gender he or she is?
Because I would love this person no matter what.
And I feel like it would be okay for me to fall in love with someone of the same gender as me.
So I wouldn't call myself straight, gay, lesbian or bisexual.
I would call myself human.
Can I do that?
Love is not a choice.
And I will love who I love, regardless of gender.
There is no closet, and I was never in it.
I just felt like it was necessary to talk about this.
Er, write about it.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
stop pretending that everything is beautiful
Regardless of what people will tell you, your flaws do not necessarily make you beautiful.
They don't make you unique, and your imperfection is not perfect.
All that your mistakes do is make you human.
Without them all you are is a lovely little idiot chasing sunsets.
Never learning, never growing, never becoming the person you dream of becoming.
People often mistake being human for being beautiful.
It is an existence, not a sentiment.
You are going to screw up.
Take that and create the person that you want to be.
Be honest with yourself and be realistic. Not everything is lovely. Not everything can be pretty.
But don't cry and beat yourself up either.
Grow.
They don't make you unique, and your imperfection is not perfect.
All that your mistakes do is make you human.
Without them all you are is a lovely little idiot chasing sunsets.
Never learning, never growing, never becoming the person you dream of becoming.
People often mistake being human for being beautiful.
It is an existence, not a sentiment.
You are going to screw up.
Take that and create the person that you want to be.
Be honest with yourself and be realistic. Not everything is lovely. Not everything can be pretty.
But don't cry and beat yourself up either.
Grow.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
okay now stop asking.
"A sketchbook is a journal. It contains that which words cannot. An unspeakable truth. An un-recordable scripture."
I wrote that over two years ago in my first sketchbook ever.
I just found the page and I hardly remember writing that, but oh, how the words still strike.
I can hardly find the words that convey how strongly I feel about this, but it seems to be something that many people do not understand.
My sketchbook is not just a place that I go to when I feel like doodling sometimes.
It is a place that I go to when I need peace. I release every emotion I have into the thing, from happiness to frustration.
I write in it as well, making it a journal in the realest sense of the word.
There are many reasons that I keep my sketchbook private.
One of the reasons is what I have already written; it is a deep expression of emotion.
It is laden with secrets.
Another reason is that, quite frankly, some of the stuff I put in there really sucks. I keep my bad art decisions in my sketchbook to remind myself that mistakes happen and we learn from them.
So the next time someone asks me if they can go through my sketchbook I am going to say no. Straight up, no.
I put most of the stuff that I don't mind people seeing on the internet anyway, so what's the point?
I wrote that over two years ago in my first sketchbook ever.
I just found the page and I hardly remember writing that, but oh, how the words still strike.
I can hardly find the words that convey how strongly I feel about this, but it seems to be something that many people do not understand.
My sketchbook is not just a place that I go to when I feel like doodling sometimes.
It is a place that I go to when I need peace. I release every emotion I have into the thing, from happiness to frustration.
I write in it as well, making it a journal in the realest sense of the word.
There are many reasons that I keep my sketchbook private.
One of the reasons is what I have already written; it is a deep expression of emotion.
It is laden with secrets.
Another reason is that, quite frankly, some of the stuff I put in there really sucks. I keep my bad art decisions in my sketchbook to remind myself that mistakes happen and we learn from them.
So the next time someone asks me if they can go through my sketchbook I am going to say no. Straight up, no.
I put most of the stuff that I don't mind people seeing on the internet anyway, so what's the point?
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
In this post I attempt to convince you to like my least favorite genre of music.
One of the many misconceptions that I have found people make when it comes to music taste
is that those who write, produce, perform and listen to pop and hip hop music are unintelligent or don't know what real music is.
Because the music generally has heavy undertones of sex, alcoholism, drug abuse or is directed toward young audiences it is automatically considered "bad" music.
In reality the people who play a part in creating pop music are all extremely intelligent.
They create a catchy, simple lyric/melody combination and this is the kind of music that catches peoples attention.
There is a reason this industry is so successful.
I myself don't listen to this type of music often, but there was a time in my life when I did.
These people know their target audience and they know how to make money.
One of the reasons people so quickly dismiss this music genre is because there is rarely any lyrical depth.
There is a time and a place for lyrical depth and there is also a time and a place for lyrical simplicity.
Pop music is not created to bring a deeper meaning to the world or make people ponder.
This music is made to make people dance and sing, and it is very good at doing this.
I listen to a large arrangement of music and while pop isn't often a part of my listening sessions, there are times when I just want to dance around like an idiot to Beyoncé.
Congrats for knowing fifty different amazing indie bands and wow I can't believe you have time to listen to all of the classics.
But next time you try to write off pop music, just know that we ALL know that you sing Rihanna in your shower.
is that those who write, produce, perform and listen to pop and hip hop music are unintelligent or don't know what real music is.
Because the music generally has heavy undertones of sex, alcoholism, drug abuse or is directed toward young audiences it is automatically considered "bad" music.
In reality the people who play a part in creating pop music are all extremely intelligent.
They create a catchy, simple lyric/melody combination and this is the kind of music that catches peoples attention.
There is a reason this industry is so successful.
I myself don't listen to this type of music often, but there was a time in my life when I did.
These people know their target audience and they know how to make money.
One of the reasons people so quickly dismiss this music genre is because there is rarely any lyrical depth.
There is a time and a place for lyrical depth and there is also a time and a place for lyrical simplicity.
Pop music is not created to bring a deeper meaning to the world or make people ponder.
This music is made to make people dance and sing, and it is very good at doing this.
I listen to a large arrangement of music and while pop isn't often a part of my listening sessions, there are times when I just want to dance around like an idiot to Beyoncé.
Congrats for knowing fifty different amazing indie bands and wow I can't believe you have time to listen to all of the classics.
But next time you try to write off pop music, just know that we ALL know that you sing Rihanna in your shower.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
journal vomit
I'm home again and I thought I'd relay the last week that I spent in Europe.
After Melk we left Austria and went to a town in the Cezch Republic called Cesky Krumlov.
We went there by bus since the river doesn't run through the Cezch Republic. The countryside that we saw on the bus ride was amazing.
I really liked the town because the art community was very strong there. There was a lot of beautiful street art including amazing sculptures. We saw several street performers and a group of Hindu Cezchs, which I adored (hare Krishna).
We spent the day there and ate these delicious cinnamon roll things called Trdelnik, which are pretty famous Cezch treats, I guess.
After leaving the village we went back to the boat and sailed to Germany. We visited three cities in Germany, Regensburg, Nuremberg and Passau. I don't remember much about them other than the sausage was amazing (which is saying something because I hate sausage). I also remember focusing a lot on the Holocaust while in Germany, I cant tell you specifics, but we visited lots of Nazi sites and it was all really depressing.
We left Nuremberg (and the boat forever) on Wednesday and went on another bus ride to Prague.
On Thursday we visited lots of places, including Terezin and the concentration camp there, the HUGE mall (which had a Topshop and I died) and the Charles bridge which was gorgeous at night.
On Friday we left town and saw this Castle in a cute little ton called Melnik. We went to the mall again in the afternoon and hung out in town. In the evening we went to a small opera thing that focused on works by Dvorak, and it was really good.
We left on Saturday and I was reminded why airports are the worst thing to grace this earth with their death presence.
So woohoo I am I Utah once again. Pictures to come soon.
After Melk we left Austria and went to a town in the Cezch Republic called Cesky Krumlov.
We went there by bus since the river doesn't run through the Cezch Republic. The countryside that we saw on the bus ride was amazing.
I really liked the town because the art community was very strong there. There was a lot of beautiful street art including amazing sculptures. We saw several street performers and a group of Hindu Cezchs, which I adored (hare Krishna).
We spent the day there and ate these delicious cinnamon roll things called Trdelnik, which are pretty famous Cezch treats, I guess.
After leaving the village we went back to the boat and sailed to Germany. We visited three cities in Germany, Regensburg, Nuremberg and Passau. I don't remember much about them other than the sausage was amazing (which is saying something because I hate sausage). I also remember focusing a lot on the Holocaust while in Germany, I cant tell you specifics, but we visited lots of Nazi sites and it was all really depressing.
We left Nuremberg (and the boat forever) on Wednesday and went on another bus ride to Prague.
On Thursday we visited lots of places, including Terezin and the concentration camp there, the HUGE mall (which had a Topshop and I died) and the Charles bridge which was gorgeous at night.
On Friday we left town and saw this Castle in a cute little ton called Melnik. We went to the mall again in the afternoon and hung out in town. In the evening we went to a small opera thing that focused on works by Dvorak, and it was really good.
We left on Saturday and I was reminded why airports are the worst thing to grace this earth with their death presence.
So woohoo I am I Utah once again. Pictures to come soon.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
How did I even get here?
Hello everybody! Sorry it has been so long since I have posted.
I am currently in Austria, specifically on the Wachau on a cruise ship.
It is gorgeous out here.
I am probably going to jump off the boat and swim to one of the lush mountain ranges and just rough it for the rest of my life.
I'm serious. Except for the fact that I miss everyone at home soooo much!
Here is my week as of today:
We made it to Budapest on Tuesday and checked into the hotel and all that wonderful shib.
We toured through Buda and Pest, and I fell in love with the Hungarian architecture and lifestyle.
I absolutely died when we went to the castle district in Buda (and not because of the heat).
The Danube really is like the cherry on top of the city.
We visited Szentendre as well which is a cute little art village closer to the country.
On Wednesday we learned a lot about the Jewish heritage of Budapest and visited a gorgeous synagogue.
The building was gorgeous and the history was very rich. I adored it.
Thursday we got on the boat and sailed to Vienna, which is another lovely city.
We toured Vienna on Friday.
I loved all of the beautiful churches and how the old and new buildings were so wonderfully close to each other.
It was beautiful how the Viennese people can live and breathe history while sitting outside of Starbucks.
The St. Stevens church was one of the most wonderful things I have seen so far.
I would absolutely love to worship there.
We saw the Schonbrunn Palace which is where all of the aristocrats and royalty lived back in the day.
The building was huge, gold plated and lovely.
The gardens were the best part, with the hedge maze and dozens of statues of Greek gods.
I also like the gardens because, as large and richly decorated as they were, they were the least boastful part of the place.
Today we sailed to Durnstein which is also in Austria.
It is a very small town and is set in the middle of a little mountain range.
It was so green and beautiful and it was my favorite part of the trip so far.
Honestly the entire Wachau made me fall head over heels for Austria.
If I never marry, I'll be happy if I can just settle down in a cottage down here in the rolling hills of the Wachua.
If I had the opportunity, I would move there in a second.
We left Durnstein around 10:45 this morning and arrived in Melk around 2:15. We toured the monastery here, which is very big.
Everything here is big, beautiful and old.
More to come soon, I have one more week up here and I cant wait to tell you more and post pictures when I can! I'll see you all sooooon.
song of the day (in honor of the Wachau)
I am currently in Austria, specifically on the Wachau on a cruise ship.
It is gorgeous out here.
I am probably going to jump off the boat and swim to one of the lush mountain ranges and just rough it for the rest of my life.
I'm serious. Except for the fact that I miss everyone at home soooo much!
Here is my week as of today:
We made it to Budapest on Tuesday and checked into the hotel and all that wonderful shib.
We toured through Buda and Pest, and I fell in love with the Hungarian architecture and lifestyle.
I absolutely died when we went to the castle district in Buda (and not because of the heat).
The Danube really is like the cherry on top of the city.
We visited Szentendre as well which is a cute little art village closer to the country.
On Wednesday we learned a lot about the Jewish heritage of Budapest and visited a gorgeous synagogue.
The building was gorgeous and the history was very rich. I adored it.
Thursday we got on the boat and sailed to Vienna, which is another lovely city.
We toured Vienna on Friday.
I loved all of the beautiful churches and how the old and new buildings were so wonderfully close to each other.
It was beautiful how the Viennese people can live and breathe history while sitting outside of Starbucks.
The St. Stevens church was one of the most wonderful things I have seen so far.
I would absolutely love to worship there.
We saw the Schonbrunn Palace which is where all of the aristocrats and royalty lived back in the day.
The building was huge, gold plated and lovely.
The gardens were the best part, with the hedge maze and dozens of statues of Greek gods.
I also like the gardens because, as large and richly decorated as they were, they were the least boastful part of the place.
Today we sailed to Durnstein which is also in Austria.
It is a very small town and is set in the middle of a little mountain range.
It was so green and beautiful and it was my favorite part of the trip so far.
Honestly the entire Wachau made me fall head over heels for Austria.
If I never marry, I'll be happy if I can just settle down in a cottage down here in the rolling hills of the Wachua.
If I had the opportunity, I would move there in a second.
We left Durnstein around 10:45 this morning and arrived in Melk around 2:15. We toured the monastery here, which is very big.
Everything here is big, beautiful and old.
More to come soon, I have one more week up here and I cant wait to tell you more and post pictures when I can! I'll see you all sooooon.
song of the day (in honor of the Wachau)
Sunday, July 14, 2013
what is happening
I was just doing the nerd fighter's workout (found here) by the vlog brothers,
and my dad came in and was like,
"oh good, you're exercising"
and I was all, "yeah, for nerds"
and he goes, "well, that's great, you could stand to lose a few pounds"
oh
and my dad came in and was like,
"oh good, you're exercising"
and I was all, "yeah, for nerds"
and he goes, "well, that's great, you could stand to lose a few pounds"
oh
Saturday, July 6, 2013
barefoot
cold cement
damp grass
close eyes
rustling of tree branches
inhale
wet soil
look up
sunlight
yellow. blue. green. gray.
I can feel
the earth move
I can hear
the worms fertilize the ground
I can smell
the storm moving north
even now that she is gone, my thoughts scream
stay.
stay.
but she goes
and her leftover breeze
chills me to my toes.
my tears never to mix
with her showers
m.s.
damp grass
close eyes
rustling of tree branches
inhale
wet soil
look up
sunlight
yellow. blue. green. gray.
I can feel
the earth move
I can hear
the worms fertilize the ground
I can smell
the storm moving north
even now that she is gone, my thoughts scream
stay.
stay.
but she goes
and her leftover breeze
chills me to my toes.
my tears never to mix
with her showers
m.s.
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